Communication gurus constantly tell us to listen. They say we should listen more than we speak. They urge us to make extra efforts to hear what others have to say, to grasp the message, to receive the signal fully. This is so we can be more effective in a wide range of activities, from business to social engagements. All true. But what does it really mean to listen well? Let’s talk about the secrets of great listening.

Listening, at its heart, is the physical and mental act of making meaning from sound. We receive and perceive auditory stimuli. We receive auditory messages as sensory input and perceive them cognitively through content analysis. There are a number of barriers to doing these two things successfully.

Let’s assume we are talking about a small group interaction, with a single speaker  and  one or a few listeners. More formal occasions with larger audiences are a subject for another time.

The initial communications barrier is obvious. We live in a noisy world. Separating meaningful signal from meaningless noise is not that simple. For most people, the constant drone of urban existence, comprised of thousands of machines and a plethora of vibrating technology, has created an ambient sound environment both indoors and outside that no other civilization before us has had to endure. So merely receiving sound messages is often physically challenging. Therefore we must be aware of background noise and its pernicious effect on good listening. We must work harder on separating signals from the noise, both through environmental measures such as soundproofing in buildings, and through behavioral practices such as the listening secrets I’ll discuss here today. Those secrets are fourfold.

After the physical world around us, the next barrier is one entirely of our own making, our distracting inner noise. It seems at first an odd tautology. To listen, we must listen. Yet it is remarkable how often human beings do not listen, even when they assure themselves they do, because they are consumed with their own thoughts and emotions, a condition they may not even realize. This mental tumult, this inner noise can block incoming external signals quite well. There are understandable reasons for this barrier. People are tired and bored, or stressed and worried, or in one of countless other emotional states that monopolizes attention. Make a conscious act of will and put aside those other concerns. Begin listening well by paying attention to the messenger. Start literally with an open mind. The first secret then is that you the listener should stop listening to yourself and truly focus outward. Thus, you must receive the communication.

The next barrier is found in the subtle interplay between speaker and listener. The speaker must know he or she is being heard, that a conversational tie is maintained. To ensure the speaker is not discouraged from continuing, the recipient should give physical feedback that verifies and values the message.

In other words, the good listener gives verbal and visual cues that reinforce the speaker’s confidence and willingness to proceed. The listener does this by periodic simple remarks, such as “I see”, “Yes”, “Agreed”, “Okay”, as well as body language such as head nodding, facial and hand gestures, and maintaining eye contact. Even if you disagree with the speaker, you first must signal that you heard the message and that it has value for you. Debate on the message’s merits can come later. So continue listening well by giving connection clues to the messenger. The second secret is that you the listener should demonstrate value received. Thus, you must encourage the communication.

Another barrier is mental. You may have heard something, but did you understand it? And most importantly, does your understanding align with that of the speaker? In short, do you truly share common meaning? The only way to know that is to actively engage the speaker from time to time when the signal flow permits. Engaging the speaker means testing your understanding by restating back to him, in your own words, what you just heard. It’s like finding a synonym for a word. Hopefully your meaning for all practical purposes is the same as the speaker’s meaning. If not, you give the speaker a chance to clarify the message. Remember that only the speaker can make this clarification since she originates the meaning.

You can say, “So let me see if I heard you correctly; you just said…..Is that right?” This recapitulation is very encouraging to the communication process because it proves you are trying to listen carefully and to understand diligently. The process now becomes a duet, a two-way flow of information alternating back and forth. Based on your restatements, chances are good that the initial speaker will modify and thereby improve his remarks going forward. The third secret therefore, is that you the listener should verify meaning. Thus, you must summarize the communication.

Eventually the speaker completes her initial or prepared remarks. There is a natural pause in communication. Now, rather than dealing with parts of the message, you the listener have the entire message and can deal with it holistically. This is when you engage the speaker the most. For now is when you can commence an active response. So the last barrier is overcoming inertia about how to act after the message is finished. How do you respond? Whether you embrace or dispute the contents, a great start is to question the speaker on key points. The fourth secret therefore, is that you the listener should extend and apply meaning through a proactive process of inquiry. Thus, you must question the communication.

To apply the fourth secret requires a command of questioning. The types of questions you ask and the way you ask them has a huge influence on whether the outcomes of your interaction are beneficial to both parties. Poor questioning leads to reduced results. Good questioning enhances outcomes.

Usually questions on substantive topics are of four major types, two each in two categories. It is important to know when to use each type. How the speaker reacts can depend to a large degree on what and how questions are asked.  The categories are Direct and Indirect.

Direct questions call for specific answers and generally are more factual.  Direct inquiries include the Informational type (“When did you begin this project?”) and the Analytical type (“Did this project start on time?”).  The Informational question seeks to find certain facts in the most objective manner.  The Analytical question seeks a judgement regarding certain already known facts, so it shades into the subjective.  In both cases, the person asked is challenged to come up with the “right” answer, like back in school.  This is more of a black and white world, a sort of binary condition, based on reason (on “the head” as I am fond of saying).  These questions result in accurate depictions of reality.  They are the quickest way to uncover physical truths.  However, such types can imply opposition from the questioner and, intentionally or not, sometimes promote conflict.  (“How can you believe that!?”)  Still, when you are clear on what you are seeking, the Direct approach is most efficient.  Also, if the speaker is more of a extrovert and/or more logical in his or her basic thought process, Direct inquiry makes sense.

In contrast, Indirect questions ask for nonspecific answers and generally are more emotion based (“the heart”).  They use belief-neutral, open ended inquiry.  (“Tell me more about your thinking on that.”)  They tend to be either Evaluative, which requires interpretation  (What does it mean?”), or Judgmental (What is the value/utility/importance of it?”), which requires assignment of worth.  In both cases “fuzzy logic” prevails. By that I mean there is no one objectively verifiable right answer.  Indeed, there can be a multiplicity of acceptable answers.  Which is selected is based on individual preference and intuition rather than logic.    Two people can disagree and  still both be right (“Joe like the color red; Mary like blue.”)

Indirect questioning can be very powerful, despite its uncertainty of outcomes.  It’s typically a friendlier approach.  It can diffuse potential animosity which can sideline discourse, and it often leads to common ground on which mutual understanding and consequential respect can occur.  In short you can be more like a trusted advisor and less like a prosecutor in using this inquiry style.  When you are not sure exactly what you seek, this technique works well.  Also, if the speaker is more of a introvert and/or more emotional in his basic thought process, Indirect inquiry makes sense.

It is said that the average person comprehends no more than 25% of what she hears in daily conversations.  Employing the four secrets of great listening should increase this amount significantly, since they concentrate your mind more intensely on the communication process.  So to share meaning in in a complex world, it is not enough to be a great speaker.  Equally important is to be a great listener.  And a great listener is that dedicated individual who receives, encourages, summarizes, and questions a message.  Do those things and you will be greatly appreciated by speakers, for those who feel understood strongly embrace those who comprehend them.  It’s human nature!

When important new opportunities arise, it is crucial to have an effective personal statement to share, both oral and written. To have such a summation, you have to know who you are.  Do you?

I tell my adult literacy students that you have to understand yourself, and to document your mission in life, before you can engage effectively with others. Whether it’s the start of a new friendship or the pursuit of that all important next position or project, being able to articulate well a goal and your ability to achieve it moves others to help fulfill your wishes.

A great way to start this journey of self-discovery and sharing is to create a short form personal statement, or an “elevator speech”. You never know when and where an important new career or social opportunity may arise. It could be from the stranger standing next to you in an elevator. Thus every educated, ambitious person should have such a cogent little explanation of him or her. I mean a summation of what you do and why you do it, up to six simple sentences that you can speak in up to 45 seconds, i. e. before the elevator ride is over. Fortune favors the prepared, great communicator. So be ready, any time, any place, to share the “Tale of You”.

That condensed essence of your persona should appeal to both the head and the heart of the listener. Telling facts about you – the what (from the head) – should combine with your most fervent feelings ands beliefs – the why (from the heart). Stating only facts can be very dry and boring, while expressing only emotions can be off-putting and unconvincing.

Many people tend to share facts readily but leave out the emotional foundations that make those facts meaningful.  So rather then saying, for example, “I am an interior designer who specializes in color for residential environments”, how about, ” I design homes interiors and am intoxicated with colors that enliven daily life.” Put the power of strong feeling behind what you say. Enthusiasm is very attractive.

Once the condensed “Tale of You” is down and memorized, it’s time to move on to a longer form statement. And that most definitely should be written. It is too long to remember for many of us. In addition, often applicants must submit a written personal essay for a school or job acceptance they are pursuing. Typically such a required writing sample is limited to one or two pages, say 500 words maximum, with translates to no more than about eight paragraphs.

To organize your thoughts for the long form personal statement, begin by brainstorming past experiences.  These should show your growth toward your stated goals and/or your demonstrated success in achieving them.  An easy way to structure these chapters in the book of you is a three part structure: (1) Situation, (2) Action, (3) Outcome. The “Situation” is a significant problem or challenge that faced you, for example securing acceptance to a highly selective program, creating a scientific or artistic breakthrough, completing a difficult project on time and under budget, etc.  The “Action” is what you actually did to satisfy the demands of the situation, your strategy and tactics to win the game, sell the product, learn the lesson, complete the assignment, convince the audience, etc.  The “Outcome” is the direct consequence of your actions, i. e. the tangible benefit to the school, consumer, company, audience, and so forth, any targeted constituency that benefited from your behavior.

The benefit should be quantifiable, usually in terms of money, time, approval rating, or some other mathematical metric broadly recognized by society at large.  Your emotional feelings are secondary. That you enjoyed the process is nice to tell; but what really appeals to your recipients of the tale are what others thought and the benefits they recognized.  Here’s a real example from my own “success stories” I have used in the past for career advancement:

SITUATION

H&N (my engineering company employer years ago) desperately needed new work as traditional markets declined.  A Request For Proposal appeared from Unocal Corporation for the design and engineering of prototypes and site adaptations for gasoline service stations combining additional businesses such as care washes and fast food restaurants.  No one else at H&N was interested.  (We had not done that type of work before.)  I decided to go for it.

ACTION

I created the proposal in response to the RFP and conducted the short list interview.  (The hidden subtext is, “Hire me and you’ll find out how I did it!”)

OUTCOME

H&N won the program, besting several more experienced competitors, and worked on it for several years, designing prototypes and adapting them to over 200 sites throughout the Western US, realizing more than $10 million in revenue.

That example states the basic facts, such as the years of work on many sites and the large amount of revenue that resulted.  But it couches them in an emotional context.  Company survival was at stake, yet colleagues were indifferent about this prospect.  In other words, it was a desperate situation and I took a major risk.  It’s a great story and the best part is, it’s true.

In your own long form personal statement, a good writing strategy is also three part: (1) a compelling opening paragraph, (2) a body of several paragraphs that tells success stories to illustrate your opening, and (3) a concluding paragraph the summarizes the whole and reiterates strong interest in the reader / opportunity for which the statement is being submitted.   The opening paragraph can be a modified form of your elevator speech, plus a transition to the explanatory stories that follow. It states the basic “You”. This part should be 50 to 100 words.  In an essay of 500 to 1,000 words total, next you can tell about three to five different stories, using one to three paragraphs for each.  So, set the situation in one paragraph.  Then describe your actions in the next paragraph.   Conclude that particular story in the third paragraph with the quantitative results and possibly your feelings about what happened.

For enhanced readability, I like paragraphs that are relatively short, 50 to 100 words.  Othewise the reader can get lost and frustrated.  I also favor simple declarative sentences, the kind with a straightforward subject and predicate in the active voice (“I completed the work on time.”), not the passive voice (“The work was completed by me on time.”).

Complex sentences with subordinate clauses should be used sparingly.  Use them only if you really understand how to organize the logic expressed. Otherwise grammatical mistakes often arise, such as modifier confusion.  For example, “Working steadily, the project finished two weeks early.” is incorrect.  Who is working, the project?  It should read, “Working steadily, I finished the project two weeks early.”

Of course grammar is the subject of a much longer conversation.  Just remember to keep your writing as simple and as short as possible, while still conveying the essential meaning.  The overworked reader will thank you.

Once you have your essay in hand, read it out loud, preferably to someone else.  I have found that is the best way to spot errors and to tighten up the language.

Personal statements,  in both short and long forms, are powerful communication tools to further your life.  They reveal, both to you and others, who you are and why.  As such these messages are tremendously informative and motivating both to the messenger  and the message recipient alike. If well thought out and prepared, The Tale of You should be endlessly fascinating.  So have a personal statement ready.  The future wants to know you!

 

Public speaking training typically focuses on content and delivery. It’s all about the person speaking – what he or she has to say and how it is said.  The message, the signal, is paramount.  However, this orientation only addresses half of the communications process and can lead to highly ineffective speaking.

Communication by its nature is a two-way process. On one side are the message and the messenger, the origination of the signal. But this signal is useless unless it is received, and has a valuable effect.  On the other side are the recipients and their reaction, what the process really is all about. So truly to share meaning in a complex world, you have to know who’s listening, you must know your audience.  Years ago in his seminal management book “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” personal development guru Stephen Covey wrote,  “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”    So start with your audience and work backwards to the message.

First things first.  What is the occasion of your speech?

Why are you there?  Is it a crucial  interview with a potential employer, a technical address before clients and colleagues, an amusing after-dinner speech?  Or, what is the essential purpose of your speech?  Is it to persuade, to inform, to entertain?  Is it simply to mark a special occasion such as a wedding, funeral, commencement, or other memorial event?   If you are merely informing, entertaining or memorializing, your approach to researching your audience will be very different, in some ways less crucial from persuading them to believe and/or to act in new ways.  When you persuade, you must assume some or all of the listeners are neutral at best, perhaps even hostile.  It’s a real challenge.  (Otherwise your remarks are “preaching to the choir” and not nearly as satisfying.)  You have to change their current mindsets.  You have to think through what their resistances to your ideas are likely to be, both rational (quantitative – logic and facts) and emotional (qualitative – faith and fears) .  In other words, you have to probe both their heads and their hearts for who they are.

What are the physical conditions of the audience at your speech?

Where?  Will you present on stage before a large group out there in stadium seating in the dark, or are you talking in a more intimate setting, perhaps at a well lit table with less than a dozen participants whom you can easily see, just a few feet away?   For large groups, instead of hugging a podium, moving around the stage and focusing progressively on different sections of the audience can help keep their attention.  For a small group, shifting eye contact from one individual to another around the room, staying several seconds with each (hopefully timed to coincide with major speech points)  makes each listener feel engaged with you.  Especially in formal situations, visit the space where you will present beforehand and get a feel for the room, the lighting, the acoustics, etc.  If you can rehearse there, even better.

When? Are you talking early in the morning, just after lunch, late at night?  Are you one of several speakers?  If you are part of a sequence of speakers, it is important to know where in the order you will appear.  If you are the first speaker, your audience is probably fresh but maybe not fully awake. You should be upbeat, energetic, and raise the bar high for everyone after you.   If you are the last speaker in a long day, the audience is likely to be restive, tired of hearing an avalanche of information.  You might acknowledge the situation with a joke (“I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to leave!”) or maybe just be soothing in your tone.

I was once the very last speaker at a multi-day design conference.  My topic was “paperless practice”.  I got up to speak to a nearly empty auditorium.  Looking around the vast volume, I improvised this comment,  “I knew I was talking about paperless practice today, but I did not know I would be audience-less!”   It definitely got a laugh, and their attention,  from the few hardy souls that remained.

Most important, what are the needs and wants of the audience. This is where understanding of sociology and psychology come in.

What is the sociology of the audience?  Or, how is the group of listeners constituted and interrelated?  A key issue is whether there is a hierarchy of influence in the audience. By that I mean, are some members of the audience more important than others to reach?  For example, if you are seeking approval of some sort, such as being hired or having a project green lighted for implementation, who controls this process, who are the ultimate decision-makers in the group?  Other attendees may be advisors who influence the immediate deciders. They matter too.  Others may be just onlookers with very little stake in your message.  They are less important   Try to find out who is who. Among other clues, a published, up-to-date organizational chart helps determine the relative importance of your individuals listeners.  Find out who reports to whom.

One time my design colleagues and I were creating a major presentation for a government agency.  We were hoping to be awarded a big new construction project management contract.  The competition was intense.  While preparing, I had found an internal phone book for that body that showed agency subdivisions and individual titles of staff.  It allowed me to figure out the relationships among the half dozen or so selection panel members that we were informed by letter would be our audience.  We prepared accordingly and got the job.  Panel members revealed to us later that our team was hired because it understood best how the agency was organized!

What is the psychology of the audience, both as a group and as individuals?

Regarding the group, an audience as a whole often shares a certain culture and worldview to which you can appeal en masse.  Figure out what beliefs, ideas, and spirit they embrace in common – what their “zeitgeist” is.  If the culture is a casual mix of highly creative people,  you should be casual and creative in return. Speak about vision and sky blue thinking.  If the culture is more traditional, be more traditional.  Speak above structure and protocol.

When I lead tours at a local museum, I gauge the audience as a group before giving my introductory speech.  If they are tourists, I keep it light, with colorful anecdotes to start, fun facts and interesting stories about the history of the institute.  Mostly, I am entertaining them.  (“Our founder was a billionaire who was married five times.  He ruefully acknowledged he was better at business than at matrimony!”)  If they are professionals,  for example a group of academics with serious interest in art history, I use more substantive remarks such as references to the museum’s mission and the philosophy behind its design.  Mostly, I am informing them.  (“The built forms around us represent a ‘Euclidean nirvana’.”)

Perhaps most interesting to study are the psychologies of key individuals in your audience.  This is especially necessary in a smaller group setting where only a few people are important to reach.  I tend to follow 20th Century Swiss psychiatrist / pyschotherapist Carl G. Jung’s theories of psychological types that characterize individual persons by each’s dominant behavioral style.  The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator system, a popular psychometric instrument used by many companies and institutions today, was developed from Jung’s theories.  I have employed a simplified Jungian / MBTI analysis to determine how to connect with and influence a multitude of listeners over two decades.

Jung’s theories of course are quite complicated, but I can summarize certain concepts that I have found relevant to public speaking.  Jung said that each person favors one of four cognitive functions: thinking and feeling, which are rational approaches to life, and sensing and intuiting which are nonrational.  Objective, logical cognition dominates the thinking person.  Subjective estimation rules the feeling person.  Conscious sensory input is key to the sensing person.  Unconscious perception is primary for the intuiting person.  Of even greater importance, each person also tends toward one of two core personalities, extroversion and introversion.  The extrovert is outgoing and sociable, likes action and is assertive.    The introvert is  more concerned with his or her own mental life and thus is prone to reflection and solitude, favoring thought and a more reserved nature.

Synthesizing what I have read and learned from practice, I have found that rating psychological types of people along two axes is helpful.  A horizontal X-axis charts how a person perceives reality, a cognitive continuum from  logic to emotion.   A vertical Y-axis, records what someone does to interact with the real world; it is a behavioral continuum from thought to action.  The two axes set up a grid where each person’s distinct psychological type can be found.  Four broad categories of listeners result.  You can develop your speaking content and delivery style accordingly.  They are:

The Controller:  objective perception, active interaction

The Advocate:  subjective perception, active interaction

The Analyst: objective perception, passive interaction

The Facilitator: subjective perception, passive interaction

Controllers and Advocates (extroverts) tend to be leaders, highly placed individuals in an organization.  Analysts and Facilitators (introverts) more commonly play supporting roles deeper in the org chart.  Controllers and Advocates decide, with advice from Analysts and Facilitators.  All four personalities can appear in audiences, even relatively small ones.  You should conform your speaking to match their personalities.

To appeal to the Controller, typically a senior executive, stress results, talk of quantitative goals achieved on the past.  For the Advocate, an innovative, dynamic leader, show visions, since this person is future and big picture oriented.  For these two use the head (facts) and the heart (stories) to pitch “high concept”, as they say in the movies business.  Show them you make things happen and fulfill big goals.  You are outgoing like they are.

To reach the Analyst, emphasize logic, indicating in a careful, deductive manner how outcomes happen.  This person is numbers oriented, so use statistics, nuts-and-bolts facts, tangible examples.  To connect with the Facilitator, someone very interested in human relations, stress people skills that develop trust.  Use qualitative proofs, analogies.  For these two, again connect the head and the heart, only in a more detailed yet intuitive manner.  Show you have reliable processes and understand them as people.  You are sensitive like they are.

Sometimes, you just don’t know your audience in advance. What then?  Well, with all four types above and indeed any audience, you still can achieve broad appeal by certain proven techniques.  These are fail-safe measures if your audience is uncertain, or even not what you expected.  First, play your self down. Admit weaknesses; we all have them.   Honest humility is very popular.  Second, talk to the listeners’ interests but don’t be afraid to connect those parochial concerns to a greater issues, i. e. talk locally, but aspire globally.  Third, give sincere appreciation; tell them about themselves.  Fourth, building on point three, identify with the audience; say “we”, not “you”.  Show you are one of them; you are in their group. It is hard for them to ignore someone on their own team.  Fifth, engage the audience physically.  This is especially good with tired groups whose interest is apt to wane.  Ask questions and call upon them to respond, such as with a collective show of hands or with individual suggestions.     Some speakers’ whole acts (comedians especially) are based on scenarios given by the audience.   In that case, the audience gives the speech along with you.  If skillfully done, they will derive a sense of satisfaction beyond the speech topic.  Self discovery is powerful.

When you know your audience, your presentation develops a relevance that really resonates.  You become the method actor who is just like them, yet brings sometime new and interesting to the endless party of life.  Even if you only appeal to them as human beings, you are acknowledging their existence and the importance of their existence.  When you know who is listening, you craft a better message that says, ” I care about you.”  If they hear that, they will respond.  When you successfully communicate, you say to your listeners, “You matter to me.”  In return they inevitably will respond, “You matter to us!”

 

My daughter Alex graduated from college this month.  Of course My wife and I were there proudly to watch as our youngest achieved this key life milestone, like her two sisters before her.  I have some thoughts on that.  But to set the scene I must go back two weeks before.

Last month, Alex and nine other senior classmates from the University of Michigan BFA Theater program visited us in Los Angeles.  They had come to town to showcase their acting talents for invited industry VIP’s at a local theater.  Most of these about-to-graduate students bunked at our house.  For a few days, I was thrust into the midst of a human whirlwind.  I experienced up close the frenetic lives of eager 20-somethings just launching their careers.  It was insightful, to say the least!

Later in Ann Arbor, we listened to one commencement speaker after another.  Each offered the usual bromides about the future.   “Seek your passion…Give Back…Pay it forward, etc., etc.”  It occurred to me during this fusillade of sage advice wrapped in fervid commands to sally forth and storm the heights of societal accomplishment that the events were off somehow.  I kept thinking back to my brief, yet intimate time with Alex’s acting “troupe” in LA.  Then I realized what was bothering me.

At graduations, the graduates themselves – the “kids” – should be the ones doing most of the talking, not their handlers, not us.  When I interacted with them in LA, I realized how smart and fully formed Alex and her classmates have become, with comprehensive world views and endless energies.  These are not awkward high schoolers or tentative underclassmen.  They are confident graduates.  They are adults.  They have a lot of interesting things to say.

It’s not surprising really.  These young women and men share four key traits that make them unusually fit to tackle the onrushing future, whatever it may offer, wherever it may lead.

First, they comprise the most diverse group yet in American history.  Even in this small group alone, they are female and male, black and white, gay and straight, American and foreign born.  They hail from from lower, middle, and upper income backgrounds.  They are comfortable in a post-racial, multi-cultural world.  They do not struggle to overcome inner prejudices because they have never embraced them.  They benefit from a wide range of viewpoints.

Second, they are the most connected, technologically enhanced people in human history.  For more than four days, our house was filled with the incessant sounds and sights of numerous laptop computers, smart phones, and tablets.  It seemed like these “kids”were never far from visiting Facebook, Google+, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, and a dozen other avenues in the virtual world. I saw at first hand how comfortable they are with amazing electronic technology that their parents could not even have dreamed about when we were young.   Able to reach out in cyberspace literally to billions of people and documents with ease, they have access to the accumulated knowledge of the human race, most of which is completely free of charge or censorship.   Generally, their telecommunications are fast bursts from flying fingers.  At any point in time,  they are aware of what dozens, even hundreds of other people are doing across the nation and the globe.

Yet they spoke well also.  During their visit en masse, I made a point of talking with each of them at length one-on-one as opportunities arose.  I wanted to see how they would present themselves individually in casual conversation, without electronic aids or interfaces.  I am happy to report that the theater background showed in every one.  Each was verbally articulate.

Third, they are the most collaborative group I have encountered in recent times.  For days, I watched as they helped each other to prepare each one’s short monologues and to ready each one’s headshot and resume’ hand-outs for the theater showcase.  They have honed their interactions to a fine craft over the past four years, way beyond when I was a student and most of my colleagues “did their own thing” separately.

Fourth and perhaps paramount, they have a wonderful attitude. You would never know this from our mass media, who tell us constantly about the difficulties of the young today growing up in The Great Recession of the past several years.  We are told they are shackled by mountains of student debt and disheartened by a apparent dearth of decent jobs.  Pundits say these “kids” will not live as well as their parents, that the America Dream is receding from them quickly. Maybe so, but these “kids” don’t act that way.

Now it’s no secret.  Making a career in the arts is difficult in any era.   As an artist and architect for the past 40 years, I have the scars to prove that statement.  Indeed, I have often wondered if I should have done something else for my life’s work, maybe something more predictable, less frustrating.  In the end, one must come to terms with the facts that most in the arts will not make it big and many will just barely get by.

Nevertheless, these young people seem to know and accept the odds.   They are proceeding with eyes open.  For the potential gain, they are willing to undertake the venture.  They are positive.  They are hopeful.  They have that most wonderful of qualities, unbrideled enthusiasm.

How can this be in the face of relentless media negativity?  Well, I discovered that this group has a big advantage. They inspire each other regularly.  I watched as they encouraged each other verbally throughout the day.  Somehow they were able to suppress competitive egos and support the efforts of each other.  Each certainly wanted to get the big break.  But they seemed just as interested in their friends getting ahead.  Their quiet humility was deafening.

I know this was not a scientific sampling of a whole generation.  Indeed, the ten young women and men from Michigan comprised a very special group of highly accomplished individuals.  Regardless, to me, intuitively, they are emblematic of million of their peers.

So I am not worried about the “kids”, these Millenials who seem so different from us, the aging Boomers.  Certainly, they are a different tribe from the Me Generation of the 60’s and 70’s.  In their collective consciousness, you could call them the We Generation. Yet, they are similar to us as well.  Their innate positivity reminds me of the excitements of my long lost young adult years.  They helped me recover memories of the passion of those times.

Thus, I learned  important lessons this spring from the graduates of 2014.  I learned to listen closely to them, because they have more wisdom than I could have imagined.  I learned to admire and imitate their enthusiasm,  because their precious emotional fire rekindles the awe of and pleasure in a wide world eager to embrace talents and dreamlike theirs.  In the end, I learned simply to enjoy what they have become.

So congratulations graduates.  You have performed wonderfully.  The future is bright.  As the old Roman said, “Vale and Valete”.  (Farewell and be strong.)

And parents…you can rest easy. The “kids” are alright!

 

 

 

To spread ideas, first you have to get (and keep) your audience’s attention. Most people decide within the first minute of your communication attempt to them whether they are interested in what you have to share. That means your first six to twelve sentences are crucial to convincing others to receive your full message. It’s the “one minute hurdle”.

Otherwise you are talking, in effect, to an empty room. Even if the bodies remain, their minds are elsewhere. Unless you give them a compelling reason to stay focused on you, their thoughts inevitably will wander. They may be wondering what to have for lunch, who the cute person next to them is, how to deal with that irritating problem at work, or a thousand other concerns.   They think about everything and anything but you.

So first things first. How do you clear that initial hurdle? There are many ways, but they all boil down to this underlying principle. You start with a statement of undeniable value to the listener that previews the rest of the message. That could mean telling them something important they did not know, engaging them in a thought process that explores their deepest wants and needs, or entertaining them in a novel way. In each case, you must pique their interest at the start. Let me talk first about the content and then the delivery of your opening.

As for content, just like the title of my blog, I believe the head and the heart together make for effective communications.  If I have to choose, I suggest that the heart dominates for most people.  That means that personal experience forms the core of your appeal.  Therefore, opening with a personal story is the most consistently successful technique. It should be truly personal, conveying observations only you would know.  It should be emotional, highly sensory, and, if possible, rich in dialogue.

Everyone suffers sometimes.  Everyone struggles now and then.  The most famous stories are about suffering, struggle, and overcoming daunting obstacles.  Yet here’s a funny truism.  Your stories of personal trials and tribulations can be really effective if you make others the heroes.  For example, here is how New York Yankees great Lou Gehrig, who was forced to retire due to the crippling ALS disease  that would kill him two years later, began his famous farewell to baseball on July 4, 1939:

“Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about a bad break I got. Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. I have been in ballparks for seventeen years and have never received anything but kindness and encouragement from you fans.”

On the other hand, the head can provide a powerful opening as well. A shocking statement of little known fact can be equally compelling.  Here is how celebrity chef Jamie Oliver opened his anti-obesity TED talk  in February, 2010, entitled “Teach Every Child About Food”:

“Sadly, in the next 18 minutes when I do our chat, four Americans that are alive will be dead from the food that they eat. “

Also in the realm of the head is a related technique, the powerful question.  If you ask your audience “why” in an intriguing way, they will want to take the journey to the answers together with you.  In a sense they are creating the talk as well, by mentally moving along with you in a shared thought process to discover profound truths.  Here is another TED talk beginning, this one by Simon Sinek in his September 2009 talk, “How Great Leaders Inspire Action”:

“How do you explain when things don’t go as we assume? Or better, how do you explain when others are able to achieve things that seem to defy all of the assumptions? For example: Why is Apple so innovative? … Why is it that they seem to have something different?”

Poignant story, shocking fact, powerful question.  Each of these has been proven to hook the listener.  Thus you have your content.  But now, how to deliver it? And perhaps of primary importance, how do we overcome that most crippling of maladies, fear of public speaking?  Being frozen on stage is no fun.  I suspect we have all been there. The “one minute hurdle”, therefore is not just about what to say, but also how to say it.  It is equally about overcoming your fear as well as overcoming audience resistance to your message.

Of course, I could go on and on about this pernicious fear.  It is a broad topic that I will only touch on here.  Nevertheless, regarding the effective opening, I do have one time tested tip to add.  After you have determined your opening type, write down in a dozen or so clear descriptive sentences exactly what you have to say.  Then memorize those.  Emphasize simple declarative sentences, the kind with a basic subject and predicate. They are easier on the tongue and allow your breathing to be more regular.  You will talk and breathe better.

I do not recommend fully memorized speeches.  Unless you are an accomplished thespian, they come off too often as canned and dry.  I prefer the spontaneity of working from an outline rather then a complete printed text of remarks.  Here though, I’ll make an exception.  You SHOULD memorize your opening.  Why?  To soar over the one minute hurdle of course!

By memorizing your opening, you are assured at least of getting though the first minute of your talk.  Once you do that, you will have primed the talking pump so to speak.  You will have a natural tendency to carry on.  And most likely the audience by then will be supporting you with their rapt attention. It simply gets easier as you (and your audience) move into the body of your speech.  Fear is forgotten. Your confidence soars.    Try it.  You’ll see!

 

 

 

 

We live in a complex world.  It is full of pluralism and partisanship, ever accelerating information and technology, stresses of all sorts – economic, environmental, emotional.  In short, life today is stressful.  So how do we thrive in this challenging milieu?

The key, I believe, is the sharing of meaning.  Why do we think and act the way we do?   Why do others think and act the way they do?  After many years of anxious searching,  I have concluded that only if we truly understand ourselves and then others, will we find viable solutions to important problems, and along the way enduring purpose and satisfaction.  This blog will attempt to share what I had learned from a life time of concentrating on communications between people.  The power of words and images to cause beneficial change is fascinating to me.  And on that subject, I have a few ideas to share…

I call this blog “The Head and The Heart”, because it summarizes my central insight about human communications.  I contend that truly effective communications requires connecting with both the head and the heart of your audience.

In any important transaction, you must reach the head through reason.  So provide essential facts to initiate the conversation, thus explaining your meaning quantitatively.  Throughout history this approach has coalesced into what I call the “classical” tradition.  But rationality is only part of the optimal use of our consciousness.

You must also reach the heart through emotion.  The best way to do this, I have found, is through personal narratives.  Tell stories from your personal experience that explains your meaning qualitatively.  Your unique life will shine.  In competitive situations, this approach is the ultimate way to compete.  Anyone can recite facts.  But no one else has lived your life.  It is the ultimate competitive advantage.  Throughout history this approach has coalesced into what I call the “romantic” tradition.  It is beyond logic, in the realm of faith.

It’s all neurological really.  From philosophy to literature, science to art, for thousand of years, the left brain has communicated through serial processing, employing methodical, linear thought. This is where facts live.    Meanwhile the right brain has communicated through parallel processing, using “in-the-moment”sensory input, collaging the past and present, thinking in pictures.  It’s intuitive consciousness.  This is where stories live.

If you want to reach out and connect, use your whole brain…and appeal to their entire brains as well.  Use BOTH your head and heart.  More later…

 

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